TO: All valued customers at BooBooFu‘Fu’ chain of restaurants
SUBJECT: Preemptive Pricing for $15/Hour Minimum Wage
As many of our valued customers know − and have been chattering about in between nibbles of buckwheat popcorn lightly dusted on a bed of fennel pollen with pickled peewee potatoes next to their rack of maple-cured penguin − the California Legislature has powered through an atrocious hike of the minimum wage to $15 an hour by 2022.
In anticipation of such unfair, dictatorial jacking-up of wages in the private sector, some of our commoner competitors have already taken such drastic measures as having their customers order meals off Atari-like computers placed on tables at Applebee’s or having garbled R2D2-like robots take their Big Mac and fries order at selected McDonald’s restaurants. (Word on the street is customers have come up with a new slogan: “We’re hatin’ it!”)
Rest assured, valued customers, that senior management at BooBooFu‘Fu’ would never depersonalize our personalized customer experience that adds so much enjoyment to our one-of-a-kind specialties such as our drizzling Avocado toast, Shrimp toast, Tartare toast or our very latest, Toast toast.
However, to thwart this anti-gastronomical, astronomical governmental tax of restaurants statewide, we will therefore be forced to implement preemptive pricing during 2016 to sustain our sustainability over the next six years.
But this new pricing system will not be unfamiliar to you as many of you have already expressed your appreciation − of not only the new tiered pricing at amusement parks such as Disneyland and Universal Studios for crowd management control − but also your embracing of the litany of charges when renting a car at major airports around the nation.
Like our exquisitely luscious linguine laced with sublime sudachi lime, we will string these minimalist charges out over the next few years. Your customer copy of our merchant add-ons to your bill will be emailed to your personal accounts so you can view them at your leisure once you have fully digested your entire meal.
Gradually, these small adjustments will include such items as:
- Consolidated Silverware Charge: $4.01
- Dishwater Recovery Fee: $2.02
- Frequent Diner Fee: $5.63
- Knife Sharpening Fee: $1.04
- Salt and Pepper Replacement Surcharge: $3.31
- Parking Lot Roadside Protection Fee: $2.05
- Farmers Market Mileage Reimbursement Fee: $1.16
- Waiter Choir Practice Fee for Birthday Singing: $4.27
- Succulent Plant Fee for Water Conservation: $7.58
- Learning Annex Fee for Menu Author: $9.69
In addition to these staggered charges of only $40.76, we will be implementing a new tiered pricing that will be blended into your bill.
For diners arriving on time for seating from 6 p.m. to 6:25 p.m., we will designate a “Value” price of only $25 a person. For diners arriving on time for seating from 6:25 p.m. to 7:40 p.m., we include a “Regular” price of $35 a person. For diners arriving for seating from 7:40 p.m. to closing, we will add a “Peak” price of $55 a person. For all diners not arriving during their tiered reservation time, you will be provided a choice of a one-time assessment of $550 or immediate seating at Pink’s.
And finally, management at FooFooBu‘Bu’ applauds the City Council’s just announced Sidewalk Repair Policy where business owners will have a five-year warranty on the maintenance and repair of all city sidewalks by the Street Maintenance Department. After five years, your management team will gladly take ownership of our sidewalks and will definitely not add a surcharge to our modest list of fees above as a sign of good faith that we want to continue your smooth path to our post-Futuristic, fickle fusion of fine dining.
We thank you for your loyal patronage!
John T. Boal is the author of “Be a Global Force Of One!” and a co-author of “Chicken Soup for the Volunteer’s Soul.” He lives in Burbank.
