? Shaquille O’Neal and Charles Barkley exchanged punches and body slams in a knock-down brawl. The NBA came down hard. They will not have the National Basketball Association turned into a Minnesota town hall meeting.

? NBC has a huge ratings hit with the quiz show “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” The other networks will have shows offering even bigger money. CBS just ordered 13 episodes of “Who Wants to Sue a Tobacco Company?”

? The Dallas Cowboys played on ABC’s “Monday Night Football” and drew a season-high TV viewer rating. This was all due to Emmett Smith, Michael Irvin and Troy Aikman. Americans love to watch emergency room dramas.

? The House passed the Fathers Count Act by a vote of 328-93. It would provide $150 million to help out-of-wedlock fathers meet their responsibilities. How is $150 million going to improve free-throw shooting?

? Hillary Clinton flew to Jerusalem so she could be seen on TV meeting with Israeli leaders. Democrats are always courting the Jewish vote. Just this morning, Al Gore announced that he invented the matzo ball.

? Microsoft was ruled to be a monopoly. That’s just the start of their problems. The rumor is that Microsoft’s official release date for Windows 2000 will be delayed at least until the second quarter of 1901.

Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.