I hate shopping. I detest going to a department store or a mall shop or most any kind of retail place.

The reason is that you can’t find salespeople or clerks. And when you do, nine times out of 10 it’s a dismal experience.

Some clerks are offputting; a few are contemptuous or insulting. Service has gotten so poor that I’m relieved now when I deal with one who’s merely bored and uncaring.

Me (faintly sarcastic): “Say, do you mind if I buy this?”

Department store clerk (texting into her phone): “Gimme a minute, will ya?”

I didn’t make that up. That exchange happened not long ago. And probably something similar has happened just recently to you, no?

It’s a mystery to me why managers and owners of retail outlets, or any place that deals with the public, do not give each incoming sales clerk a one-minute lecture. “Here’s the important part of your job: Approach customers. Smile. Ask if you can help. Then actually help. Ask questions. Make suggestions. And say thank you. If you do these things, you’ll do fine here. If you don’t, you’re out.” One minute.

Wait. What am I thinking? Most places don’t have any clerks to give the one-minute lecture to. Especially the big chains.

I went to a Home Depot last month to find a replacement for the umbrella that goes with my patio set, which I had bought at the chain last year. No umbrella matched my broken one. I interrupted workers nearby and asked how I could locate the one I wanted. “That’s all we got,” blurted one, without offering to look in the back. “Go to our website,” commanded the second. “Yeah, the website,” said the first. Translation: Get lost.

Of course, the website was zero help. I went to two other Home Depots in the San Fernando Valley. I chased down one clerk, who didn’t speak English, or claimed not to. I could go on, but you know this story ends with me frustrated and umbrellaless. You know because this kind of thing happens to you, right?

I understand that a place like Home Depot offers lots of convenience and low prices but not a personalized customer experience. What I don’t understand is why Home Depot has descended to inflicting a humiliating experience on customers.

The USC Marshall School of Business came out with a study a couple of weeks ago. It said customers are put off by a clerk’s rudeness or incompetence, sure, but customers are more offended when clerks behave badly among themselves. The press release said the study found that “people witnessing employee incivility – in this case, a store manager calling an employee an ‘idiot’ – were faster to jump to negative conclusions about the company than those who witnessed employee incompetence.”

Well, OK. Still, it’d be refreshing to see a manager dress down a clerk.

Michael Levine, who has a local PR shop, is a maniac about customer service. He wrote a book a few years ago called “Broken Windows, Broken Business.” He wrote that “the whole concept of employee training in almost every business needs to be overhauled, and here are the concepts that need to be stressed.” That was followed by a list of seven points. One through three were “Customer service.” Number seven was “See 1, 2 and 3.”

Most retailers have forgotten Nos. 1, 2 and 3. Most retail outlets have become do-it-yourself hellholes, barren of clerks except for a few bored, gum-smacking, know-nothings. And those are the primo ones. This is why I hate shopping.

If you have a retail business, please focus on Nos. 1, 2 and 3. Be a maniac about it. If you don’t, you deserve to go out of business.

Charles Crumpley is editor of the Business Journal. He can be reached at [email protected].