When was the last time you contributed to a discussion or meeting and just weren’t heard? How many times have you noticed people talking ‘at’ each other without ever really hearing one other?

It happens all too frequently. It’s no wonder that poor communication is one of the greatest ills of modern organizational life. This column introduces an elegant and respectful set of tools to improve your interpersonal communications skills.

Your reference point, or the mental position from which you perceive things, is a powerful influence over your ability to understand others. The mental position from which you perceive things is also an indication of your intention to understand others.

Your perceptual positions are the mental reference points from which you collect and test information, infer meaning and relate to what you experience. You already, unconsciously, use the three perceptual positions. By being aware of HOW you use these perceptual positions you become more in charge of how you deal with the world.

First Position – I and Me

The first position, I and Me, is the self-absorbed position. All your energy and attention is focused on yourself in first position. You collect information from yourself and generally about yourself in. All external stimuli is referred to you to determine how you are feeling and what your needs and judgments are. You are completely absorbed by how you are experiencing the world. In first position, you almost don’t notice there are other people attempting to interact with you.

What you are thinking, experiencing or preparing to say is far more important than any external stimuli could possibly be. From first position, you might say, “Outside stimuli will only get my attention if it’s obviously about ME.”

Someone feeling threatened, or insecure and unsafe, will unconsciously and instantaneously shift their reference to first position to make fight or flight decisions. Negative emotional states take us back into first position and then we don’t notice or care about the needs of others.

If another person says, “I didn’t sleep well last night,” a basic first position response is, “I slept well.” The person making this first-position response will probably not even remember the other person’s original statement.

In a formal meeting, a participant in first position will be aware of how they are feeling and what they are wanting to say and achieve. Some dysfunctional meetings are a series of first-position statements where participants take turns to state their views without hearing the views of others or really engaging other people in the conversation.

Second Position – You

The second position is the aware-of-others position. Taking second position adds an awareness of others. You can now notice how other people behave, use their dialogue, voice tonality and non-verbal expression. This new information helps you sense the intention of others and their moods and feelings.

Empathy begins to be possible from the second position. Empathizing with others is a wonderful support to your understanding their communications.

Listening to people from second position includes your intention to understand THEM. Some basic internal questions from second position are, “How are you?” and “What do you mean?”

Someone who is able to constructively add to another person’s statement, or accurately perceive physical and emotional states, is probably in second position.

Parents and people who take care of infants are often in second position for long periods as they pay attention to the needs of the infant. Being in second position doesn’t mean you disassociate your- self or prohibit your simultaneous use of the first position. Parents and people who take care of infants do well to remain aware of their own needs as well as those of the infants.

If another person says, “I didn’t sleep well last night,” a basic second position response is, “Do you feel tired now?” The person receiving this second-position response will probably feel heard and understood. The person making this second-position response will probably remember the other’s condition.

In a formal meeting or group discussion, the person in second position will be aware of themselves AND how other people behave, look, sound, and what they might want to achieve. Being in second position, means you seek to understand other people.

A second-position report is based on observed evidence, offers an inferred meaning, and asks a question that seeks clarification of meaning from the other party. A constructive second-position report and question to another participant in a discussion might be, “You physically straightened up and nodded a lot while the last point was made. Is there something you’d like to say or add to what was said?”

Third Position – We and Us

The third position is the aware-of-context position. This is a fly-on-the-wall reference point from where you can see yourself, the people you are interacting with, and the dynamic nature of the relationships between you and others. You are aware of the communications context your relationships create.

From third position, you are not just aware of what is being said, you also notice HOW it is being said within the larger context of what’s happening around you.

A basic internal question from third position is, “How are we relating?”

You can see yourself from outside yourself in third position. When you take this view with reduced first- and second-position awareness, you suspend judgment and feelings about your participation in the relationship. Your third-position reference might show how your participation, or someone else’s participation, is destructive to the relationship and, instead of judging this as bad or wrong, you simply become aware of the changing relationship of the parties you’re observing. Even though you are one of the parties, you can partly disassociate when implementing the third position.

During a formal meeting or discussion, a person in third position will be aware of themselves, aware of others, AND how the group is inter- acting and relating. The person in third position will notice group dynamics, group energy and participation levels and patterns.

If another person says, “I didn’t sleep well last night,” a basic third-position response is, “We seem to be working together OK even if you might be tired.” The person making this third-position response will probably continue to monitor the working relationship and how to compensate for the possible influence of fatigue.

A constructive third-position report and question to a meeting might be, “We seem to be energetic and noisy as a group, and there are a few of us who aren’t being heard through the noise. How can we operate better as a group?”

Examples Of Using Perceptual Positions

Business meetings and discussions will generally benefit from greater use of second and third positions.

When people repeatedly argue their own point of view and simply don’t hear the views of others, they are often stuck in first position. You can help them shift into second position so that they can begin to notice other views by:

– reducing or removing any perceived threats.

– taking your own second position and making sure they feel heard.

– asking them to elaborate on someone else’s view without judgment.

You are really asking them to speak from the other person’s point of view without judging if they right, wrong or in agreement.

Giving people positive and constructive feedback is best done from second position. Begin with a second-position report to add evidence to your positive feedback and seek clarification for constructive feedback.

Note that this style of feedback doesn’t include instruction. Respectful feedback is based on evidence about past events and is not a set of commands about future events. Combining these feedback ideas can sound like, “You made your point very clearly and asked if everyone understood. This really helped the meeting get started. Thank you. You interrupted two of the people who tried to make alternative points, though. How do you suggest we make sure these views are heard?”

No matter what your background or current roles may be, perceptual positions are some of the most powerful and inherently respectful interpersonal communications tools.

Start to notice the perceptual positions you already use and build your confidence to deliberately assume the optimum positions for specific circumstances. Your use of these tools may not be seamless and glamorous to begin with, but as your skills build, you will soon add enormous value to both your own communications skills and those of others.

Lee Folds is an independent management consultant based in Encino.