Brace yourself for millennium hysteria.

We’ve already been bombarded with people of the century contests, greatest hits of the last 1,000 years and, of course, various predictions of a millennial apocalypse. One department store is giving away millennium T-shirts (with the purchase of more than $50 worth of merchandise).

But all this is merely a prelude to what’s in store over the next two weeks, especially when the countdown really gets started on Dec. 27. Given the networks’ incessant appetite for The Big Event, we can expect a nonstop chronicling of 1999 turning into 2000. And thanks to all the fears concerning a Y2K computer meltdown, ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN and even Fox will have an excuse for inundating us with nonstop coverage.

You might, of course, wonder what exactly they will be covering, aside from Dick Clark’s rockin’ bash at Times Square, and similar festivities around the globe. More to the point, what do they expect to happen?

On its face, New Year’s is never exactly a big story. Some people go out and spend crazy amounts of money (even crazier this time around) for the privilege of eating a so-so meal, wearing goofy hats and acting like little kids when the clock strikes 12. Others skip all that, preferring to stay home and see if they can actually keep their eyes open until the big moment (“Zzzzzz I’m up, I’m up!”) Either way, it’s pretty tepid stuff followed the next day by tepid parades and bowl games.

But this year is different, you say. Well, maybe.

As pure theater, the network folks do have one plus no living soul has ever gone through a millennium turnover, and very few of us have witnessed a century change. This fact alone provides an air of uncertainty that’s pretty unusual in this otherwise know-it-all world. The computer stuff adds additional spice. Which means that TV news on Dec. 30 and 31 will be loaded with breathless anticipation of Double-0 much of it centered at ATM machines and gas stations, where a wary citizenry will be stocking up just in case.

TV always has been good at buildup, going back to the space shots in the early ’60s when Walter Cronkite and Huntley-Brinkley would be on the air for hours at a time. Looking back at the coverage, little of what they said seemed very consequential (and who knew what those space guys were talking about), but people tuned in because of the inherent suspense. Would the thing really go off? Would there be any trouble? Then came the final countdown: 5-4-3-2-1, liftoff, followed by lots of noise and the rocket disappearing into space. Then we would pretty much forget about it until the time came for the tiny capsule to return to Earth.

It will be a similar deal on New Year’s. Lots of inconsequential chatter, followed by the final countdown, some whoopin’ and hollerin’, and then back to our regularly scheduled programming.

The current bet is that New Year’s will turn out to be a non-event that for all the concern about failed computer systems and religious nutburgers, we should be in good shape come the morning of Saturday, Jan. 1, 2000 (not counting one huge collective hangover).

Of course, that won’t be the end of it.

I can already imagine the local TV reporters at malls and gas stations on New Year’s Day, asking folks what 2000 feels like. (And I can already imagine the studied responses: “Uh, feels pretty good.” “Awesome, man!!!!” “Just like any other day to me.”)

I also can imagine the network folks on the prowl for trouble and then jumping to too many conclusions. (“Tom, most experts have downplayed the prospect for glitches, but here in Plano, Texas “) That will no doubt extend into Monday, Jan. 3, the first business day of the 21st century, when any hint of trouble around the globe will be magnified a few hundred thousand times. That could spook the stock markets, which could spook everyone else. Who knows, there might actually be some real panic.

And even if there isn’t, we still have Feb. 29, 2000 supposedly the next critical day for a potential worldwide computer meltdown. Get those skycams warmed up!

Mark Lacter is editor of the Business Journal.