Dear Uncle Sam:
I realize it’s been a while since I’ve written, but I promise my 1040 is in the mail.
In the meantime, I wanted to tell you about a great new way to make a little extra money on the side all taxable income, of course.
And the thing is, I’ve got you to thank for it. Or rather, your U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. Without the PTO’s generous attitude toward Internet inventions, I’d have to continue making money the old-fashioned way: by overstating my mileage on expense forms.
As I’m sure you’re aware, the PTO is responsible for reviewing patent applications from people and companies that claim they’ve invented something. If they’re right, the office gives them a patent that prevents anyone else from using their creation without their permission.
Of course, a lot of stuff people claim they invented was dreamed up by someone else years ago.
It’s like the time my college roommates and I thought we’d invented a drink that later turned out to be a Tom Collins. Though we were in no condition at the time to submit a patent application I doubt we could have successfully licked a stamp we’d certainly have been rejected had we tried.
These days, though, the PTO has adopted a more relaxed attitude toward this sort of so-called “invention.” When it comes to the Internet, it seems they’ll give a patent to just about anyone who asks.
New business model?
Why, just the other day Amazon.com won a patent for an “Internet-based customer referral system.” While that might sound pretty fancy, it’s actually a very simple process. So simple, in fact, that many e-commerce sites have been using it for years.
The patent covers “affiliate” programs, which award commissions to Web sites that refer customers to an online store to purchase a specific item. Amazon.com was granted ownership of the entire process, from the way sites apply to be an affiliate to the automated system that ensures they’re compensated.
Amazon.com does this, of course, but so do Barnes & Noble, CDNow, Pets.com and many other sites. Anyone who’s spent a little time online probably has noticed affiliate links on various Web pages. Apparently, though, PTO employees are still doing most of their shopping at the softer side of Sears.
This isn’t the first time Amazon.com has patented something it didn’t really invent. Last year, the company was awarded ownership of what it calls “One Click” buying. That process, which involves saving a customer’s credit card data in a “cookie” file so purchases can be made with a single mouse click, is nearly as ubiquitous online as pictures of Pamela Anderson Lee.
But since Amazon.com had the patent, it can now force other sites to stop using it or demand royalties for allowing them to continue.
Longtime Net users have ridiculed those patents, and book publisher Tim O’Reilly collected 10,000 signatures on an open letter asking Amazon to abandon its “short-sighted route of filing patents on commonly accepted and obvious techniques.”
But you can’t blame Amazon.com for trying to cash in on the PTO. After years of selling books, CDs, hardware and God knows what else without a profit, maybe the site has turned to patent enforcement as a new business model.
Government disconnect
Besides, Amazon.com isn’t the only one playing inventor. The gullible folks at the Patent and Trademark Office have proven themselves over the years to be equal-opportunity simpletons.
Back in September, they gave Web advertiser Doubleclick a broad patent on targeted ad delivery, a process used by the entire online content industry. In November, Sony won a patent for automating Web site downloads, even though these so-called “push” systems have existed for years.
A few years ago, the PTO went so far as to award some company a patent on electronic commerce.
That last patent was thrown out in court, and the rest probably face a similar fate if their owners have the nerve to try enforcing them. But the cost of defending against a lawsuit based on even a ridiculous patent can cause serious pain for cash-poor Internet businesses.
Of course, Uncle Sam, you could fix this patently silly problem by spending a bit of that federal budget surplus to buy the PTO a clue. Who knows? Maybe someone over in the MIS department simply forgot to connect the PTO’s computers to the Internet.
But I’m urging you to leave things just the way they are, at least for a little while.
You see, I’ve just learned that my application for a patent on “Internet technology columnist” is about to be approved, and I’m looking forward to collecting royalties from a few of my better-paid peers.
In fact, I plan on using the money to continue my research on my new invention: a little something I call a “Web site.”
To contact Joe Salkowski, you can e-mail him at [email protected] or write to him c/o Tribune Media Services Inc., 435 N. Michigan Ave., Suite 1400, Chicago, Ill., 60611.
